Ex-boyfriend #1
Name: Goldstein, Max
Age: 14
Occupation: Ninth grader, Presidio Middle School
Hobby: Skateboarding
Duration: 1 month
Last Words: “Dude, my mom doesn’t want me hanging out with you anymore.”
Ex-boyfriend #2
Name: Slater, Henry
Age: 18
Occupation: Freshman, UC Berkeley
Hobby: Poetry
Duration: 7 months
Last Words: “You’ve never heard of Robert Pinsky?”
Ex-boyfriend #3
Name: Flannagan, Sean
Age: 23
Occupation: Bartender at O’Reilly’s
Hobbies: Being Irish; drinking
Duration: 2.5 months
Last Words: “Oder dan Guinness, we don’ haf much in common.”
Ex-boyfriend #4
Name: Collier, Professor Michael
Age: 47 (me: 21)
Occupation: Professor of philosophy
Hobby: Sleeping with students
Duration: 1 semester
Last Words: “This is wrong. I need to stop doing this.”
Ex-boyfriend #5
Name: Fuller, Joshua
Age: 25
Occupation: Web designer
Hobby: Alcoholics Anonymous
Duration: 3 months
Last Words: “Our relationship is a threat to my sobriety.”
Ex-boyfriend #7
Name: Greenberg, Zack
Age: 29
Occupation: Owner of web design firm
Hobby: Soccer
Duration: 1.5 months
Last Words: “You ran a credit check on my brother?”
Ex-boyfriend #8
Name: Martin, Greg
Age: 29
Occupation: Graphic designer
Hobby: Triathlons
Duration: 4 months
Last Words: “If I have to answer one more fucking question, I’m going to kill myself.”