1 Petra, having a way with scissors—even the garden-variety kind—created a topiary that resembled a hand with an extended middle finger.

2 Paid homeless man to buy beer.

3 Depends on whether you count #2 and #3—I don’t.

4 “Old” refers to the age of the friend, not the length of our friendship.

5 “Disappearance” means “vacation” in the Spellman household. I will explain the origin of this later.

6 Temporary restraining order.

7 Morty likes to Yiddishify my name.

8 Notice the case number. The only other case Morty had this year was his nephew’s traffic violation.

9 Morty and I have a standing lunch date every week. I will explain how we met and the nature of our relationship in due time.

10 In case you’re wondering, I know when to give up the shtick.

11 Inspector Henry Stone. I’ll explain all about him later.

12 In this instance, the word “vacation” is being used in its traditional sense.

13 Dr. Sophia Rush—Therapist #2.

14 Dr. Ira Schwartzman—Therapist #1.

15 I’ve found the long pause an excellent way to pass time in therapy. Until this session, I thought it had gone unnoticed.

16 For other surefire ways to kill time in therapy, see appendix.

17 San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.

18 For an incomplete dossier on Dad, see appendix.

19 Mom hired a recent graduate from the American Conservatory Theater and armed him with a tape recorder and a list of questions to casually integrate into the conversation. For example: 1) Have you ever been in therapy? 2) Is it helping you? 3) Do you plan on being a bartender forever? 4) Are you seeing anyone right now? 5) How many tattoos does he have?

20 Not true. I’ve done all sorts of other things, like go to movies, take strolls in the park, drink coffee, drink other stuff, eat food, sleep, etc.

21 That was an accident and he knows it.

22 These kinds of questions one should never answer. So I didn’t.

23 He’s laying it on thick now, working the guilt angle.

24 Finger quotes.

25 Old in the literal sense. He’s eighty-four.

26 Mortimer Schilling, retired defense attorney. For more information, see appendix.

27 A San Francisco landmark. Easy to locate. Serves a mean black and white milkshake.

28 Once again, if you’ve failed to read the previous two documents—The Spellman Files and Curse of the Spellmans (both available in paperback!)—and you need further background information, see appendix.

29 Henry’s diet veers toward extreme health consciousness. If you want any food with flavor in his house, you really must bring your own supplies.

30 For David’s dossier, see appendix.

31 Indeed I do.

32 Namely, the good stuff.

33 Olivia Spellman. For brief dossier, see appendix.

34 Um, yes!

35 See appendix.

36 Namely, the PI and bartender lines.

37 Miami, specifically.

38 Ex-boyfriend #12, Connor O’Sullivan, bartender by day, bartender by night.

39 Eighty-five years old, to be exact.

40 The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans—all available in paperback!

41 The parental unit claims to have plans for their retirement, but so far none sound even remotely plausible.

42 Her words, not his.

43 Finger quotes.

44 Excellent for two reasons: 1) Business is a bit slow and so there’s not that much work for Rae anyway; 2) Mom wouldn’t mind another person with a graduate degree in the family.

45 An evil PI who needs taking down.

46 Yes, we think of everything.

47 Like you’re supposed to!

48 Don’t ask. I didn’t.

49 My regular bar for years. Now with the added perk that I’m dating the barkeep, so my drinks are almost always free. Except when he’s mad at me, which is fairly often. Let me recalculate: My drinks are free about 60 percent of the time.

50 Thirty-year-old Glenlivet. If you’re not paying for it, go for the best, is my motto.

51I have an eye for this sort of thing.

52 I’ll explain all this animal crap shortly.

53 Shockingly, my mother shows occasional bursts of fiscal integrity.

54 I’ve discovered that formally announcing a subject change holds far more sway than just simply changing the subject. Try it yourself sometime.

55 When my sister was little, I told her if she buried the M&M’s she could grow an M&M tree and have a lifetime supply. She watered it with KoolAid for two weeks until my mother disabused her of that notion.

56 I’ll get to him shortly

57 Much of this information I gleaned from my mother at a later date.

58 A clause in the revamped bylaws that I demanded on our most recent revision. It’s only fair-they always vote the same way.

59 This does not include one-night stands. That’s a separate list. Not included.