How to deal with anger (without getting 25-to-life)? Take a deep breath before you blow your top — remember you’re a person, not a firework.
We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t sometimes feel angry but how you deal with that anger is what separates the peaceful at heart from the raging at heart.
My mate Simon trained as a Buddhist monk for several years in Thailand. This gives him a very calm and collected exterior and I have only ever heard him raise his voice once or twice in the whole time I’ve known him. His way of dealing with things is to laugh at the absurdity and then go get a mug of coffee. He rarely went into an all-out strop and rage about anything.
I used to vampire energy off him whenever I could. It was like sidling up to a fire and warming your hands. When you’re naturally highly strung, meeting someone who’s not is a revelation. You have a blood vessel pounding in your forehead because of something someone’s said while your calm contemporary will simply say ‘that’s not really true, is it?’ at the person talking nonsense. It is disarming.
Now please don’t confuse Simon’s composure with bottling things up. I am the expert on bottling things up. I used to go for years carrying rages in my stomach that I hadn’t expressed. When I was 14 years old, I chased down a boy with a tennis racket with the intention of bludgeoning him to death with it because I had had enough of seven previous years of younger kids being cheeky at school. All that pent-up rage exploded and I’m pretty certain that if I hadn’t been so bad at running, I would have swiftly ended my school career in a very newsworthy murder.
Anger in and of itself is not bad. If it was then you’d never have had the civil rights movement, women would never have got the vote, we would not have been able to remove corrupt leaders from our governments; quite a few good things haveresulted from a well-placed sense of righteous anger. What’s bad is when you hurt someone else — either emotionally or physically — because you’re unable to express your anger appropriately.
We have tongues and lips to speak out our rage and to kiss and make up after having expressed it. When we feel angry with our partners, it is particularly difficult as they are the people we expect to spend the rest of our lives with. Just remember that an argument does not a break-up make. You can feel angry and you can row without it needing to reach critical levels. Your partner knows how to press your buttons better than anyone else so remember that before you fly off the handle.
Also, when you feel angry about something, consider first if there is anything constructive you can do about it. Write to your MP? Write a letter of complaint? Ask to see a manager? Go to marriage or career counselling? Once you’ve exhausted the constructive ‘dealing with the problem’ options, look at dealing with the emotion. Physical exercise tends to drain away anger like nothing else. So perhaps you could go for a swim or a walk? Above all, don’t take your anger out on your friends and family. They are your support network and you should be kind to them. You know it makes sense.
Here’s an idea for you…
Experiment with your food intake by keeping a food/ emotion diary. Many people find their tempers calm down if they cut out red meat, and alkaline dairy products are also calming foods. If your diary shows you have a row whenever you have that medium-rare steak, it might be worth keeping it to special occasions when rows are less likely. Always, always drink a glass of water if you feel you’re going to blow your top.
Defining idea…
‘Get mad, then get over it.’
COLIN POWELL, retired General and former US Secretary of State
How did it go?
Q I can’t let go of my anger at my aunt. She had no children of her own and she spent all her time criticising me and my brothers. How can I forgive her?
A It can be hard to forgive wounds inflicted on us when we’re young but now that you’re an adult, think about her motivations. If she didn’t have children of her own, perhaps she was trying to be a parent to you and the only problem was that her parenting skills weren’t that great. We rarely take the time to criticise those we have no interest in. See her attention to you as an indication of her love and concern and you’ll be on the way to forgiveness.
Q I sometimes feel like throwing things around when I get into a rage and the other day my little girl flinched when I yelled at my husband. That really upset me. How do I control my temper?
A Apart from anger management courses, you can remove yourself from the situation and go for a short walk to calm down. Or consider taking up an energetic sport like boxing or martial arts to channel your aggression safely. If you start to feel out of control, speak to your GP who can also check for hormonal imbalance and advise on counselling services.
Q I never lose my temper but my husband says I’m passive-aggressive. What does he mean?
A Do you take on loads and then act the martyr for doing it all? Do you say things like ‘Oh, I was hoping we could do this but if you don’t want to, I understand? On the face of it you seem very goody-two-shoes but on an energetic level it’s as bad as if you were seething and having a go. I’m not saying that is the case as I don’t know you but maybe it’s something to think about?