No, not seductive sheep in suspenders, finding unconditional love in perfect pets. And, of course, the not-so-perfect ones.
A love of animals is something to be encouraged in children and adults alike as it teaches you compassion, caring and the ancient art of cuddling.
We all know that stroking a cat can lower your blood pressure and studies have found that even autistic children who don’t like to be touched will respond to animals positively. There is something incredibly lovable about a creature that won’t judge or criticise you but will just be there for you.
One of my pet (fnarr-fnarr!) hates is when people anthropomorphise animals and act as if they were like children. Pets aren’t children; step away from the tu-tu and tiara for your pug dog. We should appreciate the doggy qualities of a dog: loyal, lives in the present moment, usually quite greedy and loves sniffing everything. The catty qualities of a cat: disdain, agility, curiosity and good grooming habits. We should appreciate these animals and others for what they are rather than wanting them to react in a way that is uniquely human (I mean it, I don’t care how schweet it is, put the pink tu-tu down).
One of the doggiest dogs I’ve ever known was owned by one of my exes. It was called Bart and it was a young St. Bernard who was convinced he was a lap dog. I’m no Paris Hilton but that didn’t stop Bart from attempting to get into my handbag whenever I visited. Walking with Bart was terrific exercise as it was the only way to get truly horizontal in the air without the aid of NASA as he pulled you along at high speed. He loved other dogs. He loved lamp posts. He especially loved pavements. And cars. And traffic wardens. And discarded bits of paper. And of course, excrement. He adored excrement. There was nothing that didn’t make this dog thrilled to be alive. I learnt more from a summer of looking after him than I did from a lifetime of workshops with spiritual gurus.
Pets can teach us a lot and they can also mellow us out. My nan used to breed tropical fish. My earliest memories of her were of someone quite scary and forbidding. My mother confirms that her mum wasn’t exactly tactile with her grandchildren but her soft spot was fish. Ma says that if they had ever upset her and she wasn’t talking to one of the kids, they’d head to the aquarium before coming home, and would give her a present of a new fish as a peace offering. When she was tending her fish, she was relaxed and happy.
My youngest sister has inherited a love of fish from my nan. Hers are goldfish and you’d think a goldfish doesn’t really do much but she’s invented games that she plays with them, she talks to them and is very conscientious about cleaning out their tank and feeding them on time. This is why I think fish are the best animal for a young child to have as a pet; you learn how to care for something outside yourself and the danger of your pet biting the next door neighbour is somewhat minimised.
Living in the city keeping pets can be a bit difficult, especially if you live in an apartment. The way that I’ve got round that is with a love of horses and horse riding. You can do this anywhere there are stables; we used to live near an inner city stable and you could ride the horses in local areas of greenery. Best of all is riding when on holiday as you meet a new animal, get some exercise and explore new sights.
If none of these animal delights appeal to you, consider appreciating the beauty of cows and sheep in the countryside on a weekend break. Springtime when the lambs are jumping around in the fields is particularly lovely. Just don’t blame me if you decide to become a vegetarian afterwards.
Here’s an idea for you…
Have a conversation with your pet. Not just ‘who’s a lovely-jubbly lickle puddy cat?’-style conversations but proper ones where you tell them what’s happening in your life and tell them about future walks or plans that include them. Of course they won’t reply and occasionally they’ll look at you as if you’re stark raving mad but there is something very cathartic about explaining why he won’t agree to marry you to your goldfish. They make a very wise bubbly sound in response to your blubbing.
Defining idea…
‘All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.’
SAMUEL BUTLER, writer and poet
How did it go?
Q My cat hates my boyfriend and hisses and spits whenever he’s about of an evening. I love my cat and my boyfriend. How do I reconcile them?
A Start by making a fuss of your cat when your boyfriend’s around so your cat knows that you won’t abandon her but also start to subtly introduce your boyfriend into your cat’s life. Ask your boyfriend to get your cat’s evening meal and have him put it down in front of her so that she knows that he will be someone who’s sticking around. I hope he’s nice though, as sometimes animals have an uncanny knack of spotting the lying, cheating toad.
Q My wife is allergic to cat and dog hair so we can’t have any pets like that but I really miss having an animal to pet. Any suggestions?
A A tortoise? Perhaps a snake, if you’re not afraid of them. Iguanas are very lovely as are lizards but some of them might attack your wife when she’s menstruating as the smell is similar to female iguanas and lizards on heat. If your wife is reading this, she may be feeling a little faint by now. The best compromise is probably fish as, even though you can’t pet them, they’re capable of a surprising degree of companionship.