Kick guilt to the kerb. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Guilt can be one of the most useless emotions out there and the sooner you can excise it from your life, the better.
Guilt exists for one purpose only, to flag up when we’ve done something wrong that we should feel bad about. It is our moral centre kicking us in the backside for perceived wrong-doing. It is our conscience pricking us to make amends. It exists to ensure we’re nicer people who don’t treat others in a way that would be considered cruel or hurtful. However, there is another type of guilt that has nothing to do with morality or right and wrong. It’s a false guilt that is the result of your inability to forgive yourself for not doing what’s expected of you. Do not succumb to that second sort of guilt.
Do you often do things out of a need to avoid feeling guilty? Make phone calls, maintain friendships with people you don’t really like, sign up to make charity donations you can’t really afford, agree to do things for the Parent Teacher Association because you don’t want to seen as not pulling your weight? Such a widespread misuse of guilt has to be halted. We need to appreciate the true reasons for guilt and, as long as you’re not a felon, you really don’t need to feel half as much guilt as you probably do.
The best way out of having guilt as your motivating factor in doing things is to learn the liberating effect of just saying ‘no’. Most children go through a phase, at around the age of two, where they will start yelling ‘NO!’ in response to just about everything. That’s why they call it ‘the terrible twos’ but psychologists reckon we all go through this phase as this is the first time we start to see ourselves as separate individuals and so we experiment with asserting an independent will. If you are to effectively get rid of guilt, you’ll have to revert to this stage for a bit. You also need to experiment to find out what is your true will and what has simply been imposed upon you through an attempt to avoid guilt.
The next time someone asks you to do something, say ‘let me check and get back to you’. That way you’re buying time to consider whether you do actually want to do it. We often respond to things hurriedly, in a fluster, and then have to cancel afterwards — causingus more guilt for having let someone down. Even if you don’t cancel it, having to do something because you couldn’t think of a reason/excuse on the spot to say ‘no’ will only leave you feeling resentful and ‘put upon’ later. So buy yourself that time to respond.
Before you start to feel too guilty about anything, ask yourself whether you could have helped what happened. If you could have, well, it’s too late now, it’s in the past. All you can do is offer a heartfelt apology and find a way to make amends. Wringing your hands about it won’t transport you back to that time when you could have done things differently. So it’s now time to move forward.
We are often a lot more compassionate toward the guilty feelings of others than those of our own. If a friend feels guilty for letting down a member of her family, we comfort her and tell her to stop beating herself up about it. No such nice words of solace for our own selves. The next time you feel unduly bad about something, think about what you’d say if a friend was in that position. Would you hate her for not being able to do x, y or z? Of course not! So give yourself the same break.
Here’s an idea for you…
Excise the word ‘sorry’ from your phone conversations for a week. You won’t be able to do it because it is actually impossible. Try it and you’ll see. Imagine what a conversation without ‘sorry’ sounds like: ‘I couldn’t come to your wedding. I hope you had a good time.’ Saying that will sound to your ears as if you’re calling the mother of the bride a crack ho. The conditioning is very, very strong and you’ll be hard pressed not to say the ‘s’ word but try anyway and may the force be with you.
Defining idea…
‘Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.’
ERMA BOMBECK, American humorist and columnist
How did it go?
Q My sister always makes me feel guilty for not looking after her kids as much as her friend’s sister does for her friend. She says I’m a bad aunt. Am I?
A You know to what degree you want involvement in your nieces’ lives and if you don’t want much, well, you’re not their parent so you have the luxury of choice. Don’t be bullied into doing something that you’ll only resent doing and, as a result, probably do badly.
Q I had a fight with my best friend and I said some pretty horrible things. I tried to apologise but she doesn’t want to know and I feel so guilty. What should I do?
A Leave her to calm down for a while. You’ve apologised and that’s all you can do for now. Keep sending her the occasional card or making the occasional phone call. If your friendship is strong, she will eventually soften.
Q I did some pretty awful things as a teenager — joyriding, graffiti and the like — but I’m now working as a manager in a car sales showroom and I’m starting to make something of myself but my family won’t let me forget my past. How do I get them to see I’ve changed?
A Actions speak louder than words and it looks like you’re doing all you can to convince them. If they’re still clinging to some previous notion of you, that’s their problem. People change and jumping out of the pigeon-hole you’ve been put in is a tough thing to do — well done for trying!