Fighting with your partner can cause you a lot of pain and misery; learn how to stop.
Being right isn’t as important as being loving so put down your cudgel and fi nd a fl ower to throw instead.
Most healthy relationships have ups and downs and sometimes you have to fight your corner. If your girlfriend gets insanely jealous every time you even speak to another girl, you have a problem. If your boyfriend refuses to be seen out in public with you and wants you to keep your relationship secret, you have a problem. If your boyfriend thinks he prefers your brother to you, you definitely have a problem. The point is that there are some situations that are deal-breakers but the rest is about compromise, compromise, compromise.
The best way to learn to compromise is to step into your partner’s shoes. Don’t do this literally as heels quickly lose their shape and you can trip up in big boots. Do it by thinking for a minute about how the situation looks from his or her viewpoint. Imagine for a second that you’re your boyfriend’s lawyer and you have to make a case for his side of the argument. What were his motives for doing what he did or saying what he said? It may seem a bit of a convoluted and strange exercise but really try to imagine how you’d argue his case. Not your case. His case.
Oftentimes you’ll find that the reason people do and say hurtful things is not because they’re being malicious but because they can’t see how they’re hurting you. So, instead of fighting as though you were faced with an adversary, you should try to honestly express what you’re feeling and — this is very important — say explicitly what they can do or say to make it better.
Here’s an example. Suppose you have a row that starts because you feel cold and your husband feels hot. You see his refusal to turn onthe heating as evidence of him not caring for you. He, for his part, doesn’t see why you can’t just put on more clothing, given that he would feel extra hot if the heating was on. Perhaps he thinks you don’t care about his comfort either. Something small like this can quickly escalate into a horrible argument where both of you are convinced that the other person is in the wrong. A good way to deal with it would be for you to say ‘I feel like you don’t care about me when you refuse to turn the heating on. I need reassurance in the form of a warming cuddle that this isn’t the case.’ At this point your husband will look at you as if you’ve gone crazy.
You’ll have two choices in front of you then. You can either return to argument mode or you can laugh and go fetch a cardigan or blanket to warm yourself up in. The first choice is a quick way to ruin your mood and your evening. The second choice will probably result in your husband also laughing and turning the heating on, even if he has to sit around in Bermuda shorts to cope.
The way to steer yourself out of an attitude of anger and resentment is to treat your partner with the same compassion you’d show for someone with whom you weren’t in a relationship. I mean, think about it; if a friend of yours was visiting and had issues with the temperature of your home, would you insist she just put up with it? Probably not, as a good host you’d check she was OK and make adjustments to make her as comfortable as possible. Why do we think that it’s OK to not have the same consideration for our partners?
Here’s an idea for you…
The next time you have a fight with your partner, write them a letter. You don’t have to send it (in fact you probably shouldn’t), you don’t even have to read it back to yourself but write all your feelings down on paper anyway. This should dissipate some of the rage you might be feeling. Once you’ve expressed all your feelings of anger and righteousness, take a fresh piece of paper and write a love note to your partner that only says what you like about them. Send that one.
Defining idea…
‘Make sure you never, never argue at night. You just lose a good night’s sleep, and you can’t settle anything until morning anyway.’
ROSE KENNEDY, Matriarch of the famous Kennedy political dynasty
How did it go?
Q I try biting my tongue when my husband says something annoying but we still end up arguing. How can we stop doing it?
A Biting your tongue is no answer as you’ll only end up storing up resentment for later. Much better out than in. However, tact and a calm delivery is a much better way of saying something than yelling. I once said some pretty unforgivable things in the heat of the moment to an ex-boyfriend. The silly thing is that they were all true and if I had said it in a calm manner, he’d probably have agreed with me.
Q My best friend says that she has never met anyone as obnoxious as my boyfriend and suggests I dump him. Should I, just on her say-so?
A Obviously not as you’ve hinted with ‘just on her say-so’. After all, your best friend may not have a wide enough experience to judge the truly obnoxious. Has she hung out with rock stars and pubescent teenagers? If not, she can’t say categorically that your boyfriend is the worst. However, she probably does have your best interests at heart so you should consider her comments closely.
Q My girlfriend gives me the silent treatment whenever we argue. How do I get her to speak to me?
A Not speaking is probably the worst form of row there is as there is no comeback to it. Try playing her at her own game and staying silent too. I guarantee it will drive her insane enough to start negotiations. If not, you’ll both eventually forget what you were rowing about. One hopes.