When was the last time you invited one of your closest friends over for tea or a couple of beers? Discover the pleasure in simple one-on-ones.
Social gatherings with lots of your friends around are fantastic but there’s something magical in giving one of your friends your complete attention.
Friendships need to be nurtured in order to grow. We assume that the occasional ‘poke’ on Facebook or a hurried text is enough to let our friends know that we are thinking of them but it isn’t enough to sustain an intimate relationship. There is an uppermost limit of people you can comfortably know and interact with (scientist Robin Dunbar placed the number as 150) and our relationships will change over time so that some people drop out of our lives while others come in. Those that you choose to be friends with are precious and deserve some one-on-one time with you.
We are often reticent about sharing personal information on the phone with friends; you need that person there in front of you in order to bare your heart. Make an extra-special effort to contact a friend who you suspect might be going through a rough time, perhaps a break-up or an illness? It’s often those times that people think we want to be alone with our misery that we’d love to be taken out and away from it all. Get your psychic radar working overtime to identify those who need a friendly chat most.
Life changes can also change you; your personality, your views and even your physical appearance. This means that you should often touch base with your friends to re-acquaint yourselves with each other and ensure that your friendship isn’t suffering from being strangers to each other in the here and now. Some friends from university are now so different that it is as if they were different people back then. And they were. They were teenagers, setting out into the big, bad world and now they’re adults who’ve been out there some time and may have families of their own.
This doesn’t mean you can’t still remain friends and reminisce about times gone by but you should also make allowances for changes in temperament. It’s very sad when friends grow apart due to an inflexible notion of what the other is like. One of my best friends is an actress and, as her success grew, we grew further and further apart. Quite apart from the physical distance of living in different countries, I felt we were growing apart because she had changed (I felt that thefilm world had changed her and made her more fake). My mother then pointed out that she had not changed at all, that she’d always been a bit of a luvvie, and that what had changed was that I was much more intolerant of any perceived insincerity. She hadn’t changed, I had. Once I came to this realisation, I stopped being snappy with my friend and started to remember all the fantastic things about her. After all, if she could put up with me changing, surely I could put up with her being ‘diplomatic’ with the truth at times?
One word about secrets; if you up the number of times you meet your friends for one-on-one dates, you’ll find that a lot of secrets come up — sometimes concerning other friends. Some people have personalities that make them perfect gossips while others can remain perfectly tight-lipped. If you plan to ever be anyone’s confidante, you must suppress any tendency toward gossip you may have. It is a privilege to be given a secret to keep and you should consider them to be as priceless jewels given over to you for safe-keeping. Look after them and you’ll soon be known as a true friend.
Here’s an idea for you…
When you next invite a friend round for a simple party for two, make a bit of an effort. Get out the good china, make a particularly elaborate dish, chill a bottle of bubbly. In short, do everything you’d do for a posh dinner party but lavish it on your one mate instead. Your friend will feel special and you’ll feel decadent.
Defining idea…
‘Think where man’s glory most begins and ends, And say my glory was I had such friends.’
W. B. YEATS
How did it go?
Q I don’t have any really close friends, more groups of friends — how do I invite just one person without offending the others in that group?
A If there’s someone you particularly like in your group of friends, do it anyway. People are normally too busy to be offended and it’s not as if you’re inviting a group of people round to yours and leaving one person out. The group will cope if only one of them has been invited.
Q My best friend and I often have tea together so how do I make it special?
A How about getting some special cakes from a patisserie? Or baking some cup cakes and decorating them elaborately? You can also vary the things you do together so perhaps book a visiting manicurist and get your nails done while you chat or go to a coffee shop instead of having tea at home for a change of scenery. Make an effort to do different things and it will feel very special.
Q I have a young child and so a heart-to-heart is a little difficult. Should I still invite my friend over?
A Yes! Try to time it with Junior’s nap but, even if you can’t, your friend will understand that you can’t give her all your attention. If the weather is nice, have your tea party in the garden so your little one can run around and you can all relax. If you’re really worried, consider getting a babysitter for a couple of hours. You’ll still be at home so you won’t be worried or rushing to the phone to check everything’s OK.