Making your word your bond will enhance not only your life but also your reputation.
Promising to do something is not just about the words but is all in the action that follows the promise.
We’ve all had to break promises in our lives. Sometimes something comes up that we can’t avoid, or we get sick, or we make an excuse and hide. Breaking promises is not the worst crime of the century but it is one that will chip away at your sense of self. Every time you break a promise, you are saying to the universe and to yourself that you can’t be trusted. It’s not the other person you’re letting down, it’s yourself.
The easiest way to avoid breaking promises is to think long and hard before you make them. If you promise to scatter Uncle Albert’s ashes in the Nile, he’s not going to be too happy with the Thames estuary if you can’t make it to Egypt in the year he dies. Only make a promise if you are certain you can keep it. If your circumstances change and you can’t keep it, let the other person know as soon as possible and try to make amends (in the case of Uncle Albert send him with your sister on holiday so she can do the deed instead).
Always keep a copy of your promises. This may sound weird but how will you remember to keep your promise if you don’t write it down? One of my best friends makes promises to come to things with me with every intention of coming but because he doesn’t keep a diary, I have to call him the day before to remind him. It means that things sometimes get cancelled but he refuses to have a diary. He just taps his temple and says ‘it’s like a steel trap’. Clearly, Raj, it is not a steel trap, it’s a sieve.
Sometimes people emotionally blackmail us into making promises. If that happens to you a lot, you have to get tougher. Or better still, play them at their own game and make them give you promises to do stuff. You tend to find that the people who are insistent that you not let them down are the ones who find it impossible to keep their promises to you. It is a form of selfishness that needs to be banished from your life.
The most important promises are those you make to yourself. You must always keep these. If you promise yourself that you’ll have a glass of champagne when you achieve a certain goal, start saving for that champagne now as lack of money is no good excuse for breaking apromise to yourself. You should build up faith in yourself by making small promises to yourself each day. This is sometimes called a ‘to do’ list but to do lists often have things left undone on them. You need to just pick a couple of things that you promise yourself you’ll get done each day and then just do them. Sometimes they can be easy things that you’d have done anyway but other days pick something that stretches you — that phone call you don’t want to make or a scan at the doctor’s you’ve been putting off. Day by day you will trust yourself more and more. It is wonderful when you yourself know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your word is your bond.
Here’s an idea for you…
Promise a child you know that you will do something with them next weekend. Then keep that promise. It’s a zero tolerance approach to promise-keeping as no-one can bear to see crestfallen little faces if you break a promise to a child. So you know that you’ll definitely keep that one and that’s a start. If you don’t even manage to keep that promise then you’re clearly not meant for promises and you should never make another one as long as you live. Bear in mind that marriage is also a promise so that means you can’t ever get married either. Or hold down a job.
Defining idea…
‘Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.’
ABRAHAM LINCOLN, 16th President of the USA
How did it go?
Q I do try to keep my promises but what can I do if something else comes up?
A Does something always come up or is it a very rare occasion? If it is rare then of course make your apologies and re-organise to do whatever you promised another time or to make it up to the person on the receiving end of your promise. However, if this is a regular occurrence then think about your commitment to your promises. Don’t make any for a while if you think you won’t be able to keep them.
Q My girlfriend always breaks her promises to me — should I leave her?
A Depends what the promises are. If it is to watch footie with you and she runs away at the last minute, well, she may just be preserving her own sanity. If it is a promise to stop drinking and she’s an alcoholic, then you have a bigger problem. You need to have an open and honest discussion with her about how you feel when she lets you down time and time again. Give her a chance to make amends.
Q Is there ever a graceful way to back out of a promise?
A Nope, it’s almost always a bit of a messy way out. Having said that, thinking about how to save the situation for the person you promised something to is usually quite effective. Think whether there is someone who can replace you or if you can help in a way that will mend the effects of your broken promise.