Taking responsibility for your own life may be the toughest thing you do in your quest for inner peace. But the sooner you realise that you’re your own knight in shining armour the better.
The President of the United States is the highest offi ce in that country for the same reason that you hold the highest offi ce in your life; the buck stops with you.
The life you lead is the result of decisions that you have made and are constantly making. This is not to say that the outside world doesn’t have any influence—of course it does — but ultimately you’re running the show. You must not cave in to feeling powerless to make changes in your own life. While you may only have limited control over what you do, you can exercise full control over what you feel and how you react to those limitations.
Here’s a typical example: your boss decides to give you a report to do last thing on a Friday night and wants it first thing on Monday morning. It is probably not a practical response for you to jack in your job (though if you have to miss your wedding or a relative’s funeral to do it and your boss doesn’t cut you some slack, you may do well to start looking at the jobs ads). However, how you deal with a) the feelings this invokes in you and b) the actual task ahead can be vital to your sense of inner peace.
A bad way to respond would be to stomp off home with the work, be in a bad mood all weekend and do it angrily and reluctantly, regularly sighing loudly and bemoaning your fate, while snapping at any poor family member silly enough to pass within a few feet of you.
A better way would be to accept that you’ve decided to do the work. And you have, because you didn’t resign at the point that you were told about it. So you had the power to leave but you didn’t. So, having made a decision to do something, do it well. Put on your favourite music, fix yourself something tasty to snack on while you work and maybe even get your partner to work in the same room so you can have a sense of camaraderie. Take regular breaks but, instead of breaking your flow by going to the TV room, go for a short walk instead or have a boogie round the room. Society is organised in a very complex way and one of the side effects of this organisation is to make you feel very small and insignificant. If we want to buy a house, most of us have to get a mortgage. To get a mortgage you need a job — a very well-paying job if the house is to be in a nice area. To get the partner you want, you have to be attractive to him or her — be it in looks or behaviour. You have to continue to attract if you want to retain your partner. Let’s not even start on the demands of the children. In short, it can very quickly seem as if everyone has got a vested interest in your life — except you. You can feel trapped by all of these social restrictions you put on yourself.
The real revolution happens when you realise that this is your own construct. You have made this. You have decided you want this house or that job. Your choice of partner is determined by you. The way you raise your kids is partly determined by you. As such, if you’re feeling unhappy and conflicted by any aspect of your life, YOU can change it. Feel that power coursing through your veins — doesn’t it feel fantastic? Now get back out there and go ‘Grrrrr!’ at the world.
Here’s an idea for you…
Do you know what your income and expenditure is? List all your income in one column and all your outgoings in the next and then create a budget that ensures you’re not exceeding your income. It’s not boring… well OK, it is a bit boring, but boring is better than the serious distress of insolvency.
Defining idea…
‘Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.’
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE, being his ever-cheery but highly-perceptive self. Think not of it as being ‘condemned’ but more ‘blessed’.
How did it go?
Q My greatest barrier to inner peace is my long working day. How do I gain more control over my working hours?
A I also struggled doing 12-hour days for years before I realised one day that it was unreasonable to push myself like that. So I asked for help and reduced hours. I got it. If you don’t ask, muttering under your breath won’t necessarily work.
Q My husband is really bossy and makes all the decisions from which wine to buy for dinner to where to go on holiday. How do I get more control without conflict?
A If you keep bottling up this vague discontent, it will eventually explode in a disproportionate way and cause far more conflict than if you nip it in the bud now. Tell your husband calmly how you feel and ask to have an input into joint decisions.
Q My sister and I are partners in business but I’m not happy and want to do something else. I’m scared it will ruin our bond if I leave — should I still do it anyway?
A What exactly is making you unhappy? Figure out the specifics before you do anything as it may be something you can change without leaving. If it’s that you want to do something else then break it to her with a few suggestions of ways she could run the business without you. If she has your best interests at heart, she’ll understand.